Four Tips to Handle It All
In early December a conversation with my friend and colleague inspired me to write about how I "handle it all." It took a month for me to find the time and energy, and I reflected in three parts ("Handling it All," "The Invisibility of Motherhood," and "Finding Joy in Imperfection") that led to my identifying four tips for managing the stress of balancing both a professional career and a mom-career.
I'm summarizing those tips here with the caveat that I have chosen to embrace the role of house manager and "psychological parent." Though I am a feminist, I live in a transitioning world. My husband contributes a lot to house and kids, but I accept the mental work*. I believe in women taking a stronger, more visible role in the workforce (and politics), but my personal choice is to balance my career ambitions with the other aspects of life that bring me joy. Of most importance is that I stay mentally and physically healthy so that I can contribute productively on all fronts - and that requires that I make sacrifices. I cannot possibly "do it all," but I can, in fact, "have it all."
So how do I do that? Here are my tips:
One human being cannot possibly do it all, but you can set priorities that helps you to accomplish a lot. Sometimes setting priorities means sacrificing something for you, but sometimes it means setting your needs, wants, and goals at the top of the list. Ultimately, if your answer to the question, "what makes you happy?" includes serving others, sacrificing is easier.
Asking for help is necessary if you want to accomplish a lot. One human being cannot possibly do it all!
Letting go of the idea that you need to do things perfectly in order to do them at all is a huge step in managing a lot. There is a sweet spot between effort and illusion that allows you to serve others and yourself. And even if you can't find that sweet spot, find the joy in your imperfection. If you find it, others will too.
This is not to say that you shouldn't work hard, commit to only those things that you can handle, and not make a habit of letting others down. But if you do the first two and accept imperfection from yourself, you likely won't let anyone down!
Think about the authentic rewards and recognition that you get for all of the work that you do - smiles, hugs, explicit or implicit "thank yous," or a sacrifice, big or small, made by someone else to honor you - and allow these to motivate you. Know that you make a difference by serving others and that your invisible work contributes to making the ship run. Be a superhero (or Santa) and in your invisibility to serve others.
This is not to say that you should allow others to take credit for your hard work. In that case, embrace your ability to stand up for yourself and be vocal!
So, how do I handle it all? My weeklong reflection on this question, asked so often by my friends, has, once again, led me to the conclusion that "I don't." But I do manage a lot because I like the idea of "having it all." I started this blog over seven years ago with the intent of figuring how to do that. I'll keep working on it because these tips aren't perfect - but I'm finding the joy in the process. 😁
* With thanks to my former student, Jessica Becraft, who shared this cartoon with me after she read The Invisibility of Motherhood.
I'm summarizing those tips here with the caveat that I have chosen to embrace the role of house manager and "psychological parent." Though I am a feminist, I live in a transitioning world. My husband contributes a lot to house and kids, but I accept the mental work*. I believe in women taking a stronger, more visible role in the workforce (and politics), but my personal choice is to balance my career ambitions with the other aspects of life that bring me joy. Of most importance is that I stay mentally and physically healthy so that I can contribute productively on all fronts - and that requires that I make sacrifices. I cannot possibly "do it all," but I can, in fact, "have it all."
So how do I do that? Here are my tips:
1. Prioritize
What needs to get done? What makes you happy? How can you serve others?One human being cannot possibly do it all, but you can set priorities that helps you to accomplish a lot. Sometimes setting priorities means sacrificing something for you, but sometimes it means setting your needs, wants, and goals at the top of the list. Ultimately, if your answer to the question, "what makes you happy?" includes serving others, sacrificing is easier.
2. Ask for Help
As you prioritize, consider how you can also delegate. What are the tasks that can only be completed by you? What are the tasks you can easily delegate? And then, the harder question perhaps, is what are the tasks that you could delegate if you took the time to train someone else to help?Asking for help is necessary if you want to accomplish a lot. One human being cannot possibly do it all!
3. Find Joy in Imperfection
Ultimately, if you ask for help, you need to accept that things might not be done perfectly (in your eyes). But let's face it, if you try to do it all, you won't be able to do it perfectly either, and you'll likely end up dropping a couple of balls.Letting go of the idea that you need to do things perfectly in order to do them at all is a huge step in managing a lot. There is a sweet spot between effort and illusion that allows you to serve others and yourself. And even if you can't find that sweet spot, find the joy in your imperfection. If you find it, others will too.
This is not to say that you shouldn't work hard, commit to only those things that you can handle, and not make a habit of letting others down. But if you do the first two and accept imperfection from yourself, you likely won't let anyone down!
4. Embrace Invisibility
Some feminists will disagree with this tip, but as I said in my disclaimer, this post is about what works for me. I've been driven toward achieving a successful career since I was five. I've achieved success. Could I aim higher? Of course. Do I need to earn accolades, titles, and fame to know my self-worth? Not in the least. I embrace invisibility in my career - though I accept the visibility I've earned - and I also embrace it in motherhood. Think about the authentic rewards and recognition that you get for all of the work that you do - smiles, hugs, explicit or implicit "thank yous," or a sacrifice, big or small, made by someone else to honor you - and allow these to motivate you. Know that you make a difference by serving others and that your invisible work contributes to making the ship run. Be a superhero (or Santa) and in your invisibility to serve others.
This is not to say that you should allow others to take credit for your hard work. In that case, embrace your ability to stand up for yourself and be vocal!
So, how do I handle it all? My weeklong reflection on this question, asked so often by my friends, has, once again, led me to the conclusion that "I don't." But I do manage a lot because I like the idea of "having it all." I started this blog over seven years ago with the intent of figuring how to do that. I'll keep working on it because these tips aren't perfect - but I'm finding the joy in the process. 😁
* With thanks to my former student, Jessica Becraft, who shared this cartoon with me after she read The Invisibility of Motherhood.
How do I "have it all?" I sacrifice a clean kitchen. I have a career, and a husband and a kid whom I adore, and great house and a messy AF kitchen! And my laundry's not so spot-on, either!
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