Monday, May 31, 2010

The Mom Gene

I love my children.  I have no doubt that they love me, that they need me, that I give them the warm embrace of a caring mother.  I want to spend time with them.  I miss them when we are apart.  Despite all of this excellent mothering I do, however, I do not possess the mom gene.

Though this is something I have suspected for quite some time, perhaps from age 11 when our baby golden retriever threw up on my lap on the car ride home from the breeder, I knew for sure when I was having drinks with an old friend recently.  We were talking about kids (other people's kids), and I shared an anecdote about a friend's baby, who was 3 months old at the time.  I visited this friend, and she gave me the baby to hold.  As I held him, I knew.  I knew that I did not want to have any more children.  I knew that, despite having reared two infants successfully into toddlerhood, I would never feel comfortable holding a baby.  I would never coo and ahh like women are supposed to do.  I simply don't have the gene that sparks warm fuzzies when babies are near, the gene that makes me know automatically how to soothe, how to connect, how to relate to any child.

As I shared my story about holding this baby with my friend, she proclaimed, "So you don't have the mom gene either?!?!" I knew in that moment that she was right.  I have two beautiful children that I adore, but I don't have the mom gene.

Luckily, since I do have two children that need to be mothered, I have other genes that make up for my deficiency.  I am efficient, and perhaps it was this gene that enabled me to conceive b/g twins, getting our perfectly balanced family with one pregnancy (which I hated) and one stage of infancy (which I hated nearly as much).  I am good at compartmentalizing, which helps me to keep my stressful professional life away, for the most part, from my mothering duties.  And speaking of duties, I have a nice dose of a guilt gene that keeps me focused on the things that should be done, even when my mothering conflicts with my personal desires for freedom and quiet relaxation.

When I think hard about it, the qualities that make up for being "not-a-naturally-born-mom" are those that have led me to never question, never doubt, never waver from the path of career woman.  And that makes me wonder whether the mom gene is in conflict with the professional desires I face.  Perhaps all career women have a mom gene; but perhaps we feel we need to keep it in check.  Or perhaps, as my friend and I assumed, it really is possible not to have it at all.

As I ponder this question, I will continue to be the best mom I can be to my kids.  I will make them smile, soothe their hurts, and do my best to do the same for my friends' kids.  I will work hard at these tasks because I don't have a mom gene - or it's so far buried that I don't recognize it.  But being the over-achiever I am, I'm sure I can succeed without it.  And I'm sure I'm not the first mom to have done so.


  1. LOVE your blog K! It makes me think....

  2. Great post - I have the same fear. Until I got pregnant (which I, too, DESPISE), I never even considered motherhood.

    I got an overdose of the worry gene from my mother and an extreme overdose of the pessimism gene from my father, which means that every minute of every day I'm stressed out that the baby inside of me is dead.

    Don't get me wrong - I am excited to have my baby and look forward to being the central part of her young life, however the whole motherhood thing... eh. We'll see.

    Keep blogging - I need all the advice/anecdotes I can get! xx

  3. Ok, the best part is the monster poop with the complimentary splay of pee!