Permission to Reboot My Friend List

I had an interesting experience this week.  A mother of one of my daughter's classmates tagged me in a photo of a bunch of girls.  The girls were clearly enjoying a party - a party to which my daughter had not been invited.

I'm choosing to believe that the "tag" was a mistake because women in their 40s don't play the games that teenagers do and this mother did not mean to tell me that my child was being excluded from this friend group.  [Insert that's a conversation over wine here].

Regardless, seeing the picture made me feel shitty. 

In fact, most of social media makes me feel shitty.

I research online communication professionally, especially how interactions are affecting our youth, so abandoning social media completely isn't an option for me - though I've definitely considered it.  I know that teens (and pre-teens, unfortunately) are consumed by social media.  They chase "likes;" they stay up too late online; they use tools like "tagging" and "group chats" to include and exclude purposefully, and sometimes also without malice.

I've found myself falling into these same traps as an adult.  I watch the "likes" add up on certain kinds of posts (like my cute kiddo pics) and wonder why my political/social commentaries get little feedback.  I seek positive feedback.  I notice when I'm not included.  And more often than not, lately, the entire system makes me feel bad.

But not all of it is bad.  I find value in sharing and connecting with my family and friends from my past and with my colleagues across the world.  I also love the ability to document my family's life and to revisit it.  These positives make all the issues with how social media companies take and use data worth it to me.

However, each time I personally feel shitty about something I see on social media - and this can be anything from the example I just shared to reading post after post about politics - I rethink how I am using it. 

Shift #1 Trying not to play the included/excluded game
My first shift included a decision never to post pictures of me or my children engaged in fun activities with groups of people in our local community.  Though tagging is fun, I knew that tagging was an act of inclusion and that someone on my friend list might feel excluded. 

Shift #2 Permission to unfollow
My second shift came when I realized how badly I felt after scanning social media.  I considered rebooting my friend list, but instead, I decided to try the "unfollow" option.  In order to protect myself from feeling bad, I made it so I couldn't see a lot of content from others.

Shift #3 Considering audience
While I was unfollowing, I was also limiting who could see the things I posted.  I didn't want to share everything with everyone on my list, and I created custom lists.  It was exhausting to constantly think about the audiences that I could/should select for the kinds of posts I was making.

Shift #4 My Aha! moment
So over the past couple of years I have tried different approaches in order to avoid doing what I really wanted to do - which was reboot my friend list.  I wanted to use Facebook, in particular, to connect with my family and to engage with my professional network.  But I didn't want to use it to see into the lives of the people in my local community - or to have them see into mine.  I want to cultivate those friendships in face-to-face spaces and not feel pulled by demons that naturally rise in social groups and are exacerbated in digital contexts.

This is a lesson I have been pushing for tweens and teens, and it was time that I practiced it myself.  This shift in use will require a shift in my thinking - what do I post?  when?  for whom?  I will be more conscious of these questions now that I have narrowed my audience on closed social media sites. 

My choice to reboot my "friends" list has nothing to do with whether I consider someone a friend.  I will connect with my friends in my local community in authentic ways, in person.   I'm hopeful that this decision will lead me to a healthier, personal life.

I am still figuring all of this out as an individual with feelings, but I'm also thinking about it for my children, who are at a precarious age.  They are navigating a social world that is both adult and child. They are beginning to learn that friends they have considered close will not include them.  They are starting to hurt for a variety of reasons and subsequently question their worth.

I know that social media, including texting, makes it worse.

We have always had strict rules of screen time in our house, and I continue to limit access to a world that has proven to be more detrimental than supportive.

• My kids do not have social media.
• Nor do they have a cell phone to call their own - though we do have a family phone that allows them to connect with friends for homework and social purposes.
• They are not permitted to use devices for purposes other than academic unless they have permission, and I monitor it.
• They are expected to self-regulate their time and attention when they engage in personal device use - and they fail often. Therefore...
• We have conversations about self-regulation and the importance.
• Whenever possible, we do not use devices after 7PM - since bedtime is 8PM.

All of the research I have read has led me to these house rules, and we are functioning pretty well with them.  As I experiment on myself, I think I will be able to better guide them into healthy use of the digital tools at their disposal so that they can tackle the issues of social media when they are cognitively, socially, and emotionally ready to do so.  I'm hopeful that my reboot helps me to adequately reflect on how to best guide them in their use.